7 Principles for Making Marriage Work: The Complete Guide

The phrase "seven principles for making marriage work" comes from a specific and well-known source: the 1999 book of that name by the psychologist John Gottman, written with Nan Silver. What makes it worth revisiting is that Gottman did not guess. He drew his principles from decades of watching real couples in a research setting, tracking who stayed together and who did not. This guide walks through all seven in plain language, faithful to the original framework, so you can see why they hold up and how to put them to work in an ordinary marriage rather than an idealised one.

Where the seven principles come from

John Gottman is an American psychologist known for his long-running studies of marital stability, work he carried out with his wife and collaborator Julie Schwartz Gottman and, on this book, the writer Nan Silver. Over years of observing couples closely, including in a research apartment nicknamed the "Love Lab", he became known for being able to predict, with high reported accuracy, which marriages would last. The seven principles are his distilled answer to the obvious follow-up question: if you can spot the couples who fail, what are the ones who succeed actually doing?

That research pedigree is why the framework deserves to be quoted accurately rather than paraphrased into vague advice. Gottman's insight was that thriving marriages are not the ones without conflict; they are the ones with a strong underlying friendship and a set of habits that keep the relationship warm even when the couple disagree. The seven principles map those habits. What follows is a faithful walk through each, in the order Gottman presents them.

Principles one to three: build the friendship

Gottman's foundation is that a good marriage is, at its core, a deep friendship. The first three principles all serve that friendship, because everything harder later, especially conflict, goes better when the friendship underneath is strong.

Notice how ordinary these are. None of the first three principles is about grand romance; they are about attention to the small stuff. That is the point. Gottman found that the emotional reserve couples draw on during conflict is built in these unremarkable daily moments, not in occasional dramatic gestures. If you want the wider evidence on why this friendship layer predicts longevity, our guide to what research says keeps a marriage together sets it in a broader context.

Principle four: let your partner influence you

The fourth principle is about power, and specifically about sharing it. Gottman found that marriages do better when each partner genuinely accepts the other's influence, taking their opinions and feelings seriously in decisions rather than insisting on their own way. In his research this came up most pointedly around husbands who resisted their wives' influence, but the principle is mutual: a marriage of two people who both dig in is a marriage in trouble.

In practice this looks like looking for the part of your partner's position you can agree with, rather than treating every disagreement as a contest to be won. Yielding on some things is not weakness; it is how two people stay a team. Couples who master this find that they win more often together than either could alone, because decisions carry both people's buy-in from the start.

Principles five and six: handle conflict honestly

Here Gottman makes his most useful and least intuitive point: not all conflict is the same, and most marital conflict is never resolved at all. He distinguishes between solvable problems and perpetual ones, and the skill is knowing which is which.

This distinction changes how you fight. Gottman's research suggests a large majority of marital conflicts are perpetual, meaning couples will discuss the same core differences for the whole of their marriage. Success is not making those differences vanish; it is talking about them with humour and affection rather than letting them harden into resentment. The famous warning signs he identified, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, are what turn a manageable perpetual problem into a corrosive one. When those patterns take hold, structured help such as marriage counseling is often what breaks the cycle, and it tends to work best early.

Principle seven: create shared meaning

The seventh principle is the roof on the house Gottman builds. Beyond friendship and conflict management, thriving marriages develop a shared sense of meaning: a small culture of their own, made of rituals, roles, goals and the symbols and stories the couple hold in common. This is what turns a functional partnership into a life that feels significant to both people.

Shared meaning is built, not found. It grows from the rituals a couple invent (how you mark anniversaries, the standing Sunday habit, the way you welcome each other home), from agreement on the roles you each play, and from a common vision of what your family stands for. Couples who have it tend to weather hard seasons better, because they are anchored to something larger than the disagreement in front of them. Our writing on husband and wife romance picks up this thread, showing how everyday rituals keep long marriages warm.

Putting the seven principles to work

A framework is only useful if it changes what you do on a Tuesday. The reassuring thing about Gottman's seven principles is that they translate into small, repeatable habits rather than a personality overhaul. You do not adopt all seven at once; you practise the one your marriage most needs right now.

• Ask a real question daily. Update your love map by learning one new thing about your partner's day or mind, not just exchanging logistics.
• Say the admiration out loud. Name something you respect in your partner regularly. Fondness kept silent slowly fades.
• Turn toward the small bids. When your partner reaches for connection in a tiny way, respond. These moments compound.
• Look for the yes. In disagreements, find the part of their view you can accept before defending your own.
• Name perpetual problems as perpetual. Stop trying to win the arguments that were never winnable, and aim to manage them with warmth instead.
• Build one ritual. Invent a small, shared habit that belongs only to the two of you. Meaning grows from repetition.

None of this requires a perfect marriage to begin, only a willing one. And the principles are as useful before the wedding as after it: couples who understand them early tend to start on firmer ground. If you are still at the beginning of the journey, our broader relationship tips and our overview of a healthy married couple partnership carry the same ideas into everyday practice.

The bottom line

John Gottman's seven principles endure because they are grounded in observation rather than wishful thinking. Build the friendship through love maps, fondness and turning toward each other; share power by accepting your partner's influence; handle conflict by solving what is solvable and managing what is not; and crown it all with a shared sense of meaning. The deeper lesson underneath the list is liberating: a strong marriage is not one without conflict, but one with enough friendship and warmth to carry the conflict that every marriage inevitably contains. That is a standard almost any couple can work toward, one small habit at a time.

Frequently asked questions

Who created the seven principles for making marriage work?

They come from the psychologist John Gottman, in his 1999 book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", written with Nan Silver. Gottman based the principles on decades of research observing real couples and tracking which marriages lasted, which is why the framework is treated as evidence-informed rather than simply motivational. Any faithful account of the seven principles should credit that source.

What are the seven principles, briefly?

Enhance your love maps, nurture fondness and admiration, turn toward each other instead of away, let your partner influence you, solve your solvable problems, overcome gridlock on the unsolvable ones, and create shared meaning. The first three build friendship, the fourth shares power, the fifth and sixth handle conflict, and the seventh gives the marriage a common sense of purpose.

Does Gottman say all conflict can be solved?

No, and this is one of his most useful points. Gottman distinguishes solvable problems from perpetual ones and reports that a large majority of marital conflicts are perpetual, rooted in personality or core values. The aim with those is not to eliminate them but to move from gridlock to ongoing dialogue, discussing them with humour and affection rather than letting them curdle into resentment.

What are the warning signs Gottman identified?

Gottman is well known for describing four especially corrosive patterns in conflict: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Contempt in particular he found to be a strong predictor of marital breakdown. Spotting these patterns early matters, because they turn manageable disagreements into damaging ones. When they become habitual, professional support such as marriage counseling often helps to interrupt the cycle.

Do the seven principles only apply to married couples?

Not really. Although the book is framed around marriage, the underlying habits, knowing your partner, expressing admiration, sharing influence and building shared rituals, apply to any committed relationship. Many couples find the principles most valuable before or early in a marriage, when the patterns are still forming and small changes compound over the long life of the partnership.